Category: Polyamory Education

Poly By The Numbers

Posted on by polyannarbor_g46iih

When discussing polyamory, either in current media or in personal exchanges, there’s often the question of what does polyamory look like? Unfortunately, there’s a lot of media that elevates a very specific image of polyamory: A triad consisting of three young adults, two of which are a married couple of a heterosexual man and a bisexual woman, and the third being a young bisexual woman. It’s also common for everyone to be white, liberal, and cisgender. While this demographic exists within the polyamory community (and there’s certainly nothing wrong with it), it doesn’t adequately capture the wide expanse of polycule configurations or the diversity of individuals who make up the broader polyamorous community. While stigma related to polyamorous and consensual non monogamy (CNM) practices mean that few surveys are conducted to better understand the composition of the polyamory demographic, there are some existing sources we look at to start to answer these kinds of questions.

 

How Many People Have Been Poly

 

One of the first questions a person may ask is “How many people have engaged in polyamory in their lifetime?” A 2016 article in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy utilized US Census data to estimate that 1 in 5 study participants engaged in CNM at some point in their life. While polyamorous individuals are a subgroup within this number, this gives us a place to start at. The same study found that ~20% proportion held up across age, education level, income, religion, region, political affiliation, and race. This means that the CNM community, and the subset of polyamory people within that community, are more diverse than depictions in popular media might suggest. Results did show some differences across gender and sexual orientation. Men were more likely than women to report engaging in CNM at some point in their life. Similarly, self-identified members of the queer community more frequently indicated participating in CNM at some point in their lives compared to their heterosexual counterparts.

 

How Many People Are Active In Poly?

 

The next logical question might be “Okay, but how many people ACTIVELY engage in polyamory?” Again, due to limitations in polyamory specific surveys, we’ll need to turn to research regarding CNM in general to estimate that number. A 2018 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior indicated that, based on data from the 2012 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, roughly 4% of study participants were actively engaging in CNM. A prior 2014 study in the Journal für Psychologie, reported results in the same 4-5% range. While these two studies are specific to US populations, another 2019 publication in the Journal of Sex Research estimated a similar proportion of Canadians participate in open relationships. As another frame of reference, that 4-5% range is greater than the amount of U.S. citizens who self-identify under the LGBTQ+ umbrella (i.e. ~2%).

 

More About The Numbers

 

A reported 4-5% of the population actively participating in CNM may seem like a small number. However, consider that the estimated U.S. population in 2019 was 328.2 million . Even if we only consider adults ages 20+, that’s still 246.57 million people. If we assume that 4% of those individuals are practicing CNM, that means 9.86 MILLION people practice CNM in one form or another.  Among that group of 9.86 million are polyamorous people. Unfortunately, it’s hard to say what percentage of that population are polyamorous individuals versus swingers versus open relationships since available demographic studies with that level of detail are few and far between, but looking at how many people practice general CNM is a great place to start.

 

A 2019 Study On Polyamory

 

While we can’t speak to what percentage of the CNM identifies as polyamorous, a 2019 study published in the Journal of Sexual Research attempted to understand the demographic of the polyamory community specifically. Researchers collected and compared demographic information from 2,428 polyamorous individuals and 539 monogamous individuals. The results suggested that, as with the studies analyzing CNM more broadly, polyamorous people were more likely to identify as members of the LGBTQ+ community than monogamous participants. While age distributions among the two groups were similar, polyamorous participants were more likely to indicate being in a civil union, being divorced, and earning an annual income <$40,000 per year. Lead researcher, Balzarini, made clear that she didn’t believe this trend was a result of more unstable relationships among polyamorous people, but rather that they were more likely to divorce to enable multiple relationships to exist on equal legal terms or because participants realized polyamorous leanings post-marriage. In the case of other factors, such as race, political affiliation, and religious leanings, participants in both groups overwhelmingly identified as white. While polyamorous folks identified as liberal/Democratic, the monogamous participant group also tended to indicate left leaning political affiliations. Finally, individuals who self-identified as Christians were more likely to be monogamous. However, researchers also noted that polyamorous study participants were more likely overall to select “Other” when prompted for demographic characteristics. The overall outcome of the study suggest that statistics indicated that there was no significant difference between polyamorous and monogamous groups in terms of several metrics. What differences did exist suggests that polyamorous individuals tended to be white, make less money, and reject conventional labels and options common to demographic studies.

 

Do The Statistic Underestimate The Real Numbers?

 

Something important to keep in mind when considering all these numbers and statistics is that they likely underestimate the actual proportion of people who practice CNM and, specifically, polyamory. While polyamory is occupying increasing space in the public sphere, it isn’t a legally protected group. People who are openly polyamorous face risks of losing their jobs, being evicted from their homes, and losing child custody if raising a family. Consequently, people might be less inclined to respond honestly to questions and surveys out of concern for their professional and personal lives. Further, studies are likely to be skewed towards white participants simply due to what channels they rely on for recruiting study participants, so certain racial groups are likely to be underrepresented as well. Hopefully a day will come when people feel safe to disclose their status, but in the interim, we have to work with the numbers we have when underscoring statistics involving CNM and polyamory.

 

In Summary

 

To summarize, when we think about poly by the numbers, research indicates several different things:

1) An estimated 20% of the US population engaged in CNM at one point in their life.

2) Approximately 4% of the U.S. population actively participates in CNM.

3) When we break down the demographic of those millions of people who engage in CNM, the numbers evenly break down across different categories of age, education level, income, religion, region, political affiliation, and race.

4) Limited studies aimed at evaluating the demographics of polyamory specifically suggests individuals more likely to be white, queer, and in lower income brackets.

5) These statistics likely underestimate the actual proportion of the population that participates in CNM and polyamory.

So when you picture what both polyamory and CNM looks like by the numbers, don’t let your mind default to the demographic pop media presents as the “norm.” Instead, walk confidently forward knowing that the individuals who are a part of the polyamory and CNM community are as diverse as the people in a New York subway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Poly On The Rise – Statistics And Resources

Posted on by polyannarbor_g46iih

This article explores polyamory and how people around the country are seeing Poly On The Rise.

Poly On The Rise

Once upon a time, polyamory and, more broadly, consensual non-monogamy (CNM), were viewed as the stuff of erotic fiction, something relegated to fantasy and not reality. While there can certainly be spicy moments of sensational seduction, polyamory is not a strictly sexual affair. Polyamory can also include cohabitation, shared resources, and shared long-term goals (many of my local poly humans aspire toward the ultimate mecca of “the poly compound”). Nevertheless, due to stigma associated with participating in consensual non-monogamy, most folks never try it out or they keep their lifestyle concealed. However, recent years have started bringing CNM into the public sphere, which has been a critical first step in fostering more wide-spread acknowledgement and acceptance of the lifestyle. With poly on the rise, more awareness is happening, even from those outside the community.

What Is CNM In Dating?

For those unfamiliar with the terms, CNM is a practice where individuals or couples form an above the table agreement to engage in multiple sexual relationships. Part of that agreement may include maintaining emotional and/or romantic fidelity to one individual while pursuing outside sexual relationships. Polyamory falls under the CNM umbrella and is a relationship style that allows everyone involved to pursue multiple sexual, emotional, and romantic relationships. To learn more about the basic principles of CNM and the different relationship styles that fall under its umbrella— including polyamory— check out our other blog post.

Major media outlets, such as Rolling Stone, CBSNews, and NPR, published articles in the recent past discussing the topic of polyamory. Many people practicing polyamory and CNM have also had their stories center in the lifestyle sections of prominent news sources, such as The New York Times. CNM even featured as a discussion topic on the Red Table Talk, a web television talk show hosted by Willow Smith, Jada Pinkett Smith, and, her mother, Adrienne Banfield-Norris.

Polyamory In Media – Poly On The Rise

The last couple of decades has also seen the appearance of a lot of popular print media. More Than Two, The Ethical Slut, the Polyamorist Next Door are just a small selection of the many polyamory and CNM books that have been released over the years. Many of these books are written by long term members of the polyamory and CNM communities, offering unique firsthand insights that is at times absent in short form news articles that are written about us, but without consulting actual members of the community.

Mainstream media isn’t the only place that is shining a spotlight on the topics of CNM and polyamory; Academic institutions are churning out an increasing volume of studies and journal articles aimed at better understanding the estimated 9.8 million adults actively practicing CNM in the United States. In alignment with that goal, the American Psychological Association formed a task force dedicated to producing research and providing resources on CNM. The Consensual Non-monogamy Task Force hit the ground running upon formation, their accomplishments to date ranging from compiling scholarly articles into an public online library to documenting best practices for research and clinical practices to promoting the successful addition of CNM and kink-affirming terms to provider directories.

Increased Representation

As someone who has been a part of the polyamorous community for almost 6 years now (and the broader CNM community for longer still), it’s been a breath of fresh air to watch the increasing amount of publicly available resources and media representation of the poly community. My first foray into consensual non-monogamy back in my undergraduate career was, frankly, a bit of a disaster. I got involved with someone who was in an open relationship with a high school sweetheart who attended a different college down the road. Eventually I was invited to be a third in the relationship, an arrangement that lasted approximately 2 months before crashing and burning. While there were several factors that contributed to the breakdown of the relationship, much of which ultimately came down to the fact that none of us knew what we were doing, resulting in broken hearts all around.

New Beacons

Years down the road, I’m in a stable, healthy relationship with two different people and privileged to have a kickass metamour. Over the past 6 years, I’ve had everything ranging from casual, one-night flings to serious dating partners who have since transitioned into platonic friendships. There are two big things that finally allowed me to successfully navigate the polyamorous lifestyle: community and online resources. In my early attempts at CNM, I had neither of those. I was in a relationship that seemed to only exist in paperback novels and the only people I could talk to about it was the couple I was dating. Every time a mainstream news source posts an objective article on the topic and or a polyamorous person authors a new book, a beacon is lit in the night to help those new to the lifestyle navigate the stormy waters of CNM while living in a society where monogamy is the norm.

Hope For The Future

Increasing media coverage and resources won’t put a halt to all the hiccups and complications that can result from a polyamorous lifestyle. Most of us are still raised in a monogamous and heteronormative environment that cast jealousy and possessiveness as characteristic of “healthy relationships”. Even those of us who are naturally wired for polyamory still need to unpack the social constructs stamped into our subconscious that say monogamy is good and polyamory is bad. However, I believe that increased visibility of both local and global polyamory communities, as well as a greater amount of free online resources, will make the unpacking a little less miserable for everyone.  As time goes by, there is even more hope for the future.

 

Other Local Polyamory Notes

Thanks for reading Poly On The Rise, one of many articles and resources on the Poly Ann Arbor website. For people who are looking for polyamory events in Ann Arbor, polyamory in Detroit, Ypsilanti polyamory events, and polyamory groups in Michigan, this website has top resources, and even more being added. Make sure to take a look at our events calendar as things start opening up more. Finding polyamorous people in Ann Arbor and beyond starts with the right tool, and we are excited to provide them.

Poly Red Flags – Part 1

Posted on by polyannarbor_g46iih
Polyamory can be a wonderful experience that leaves both a person and their household bursting with love and community. However, as many veteran polya people can tell someone, the journey to polyamorous equilibrium can be rocky at best and heart-shattering at worst. While relationship missteps and disasters riddle both monogamous and polyamorous communities alike, there are a number of red flags that new and seasoned poly people should keep an eye out for.

One of the biggest things polya individuals need to watch out for are people who SAY they’re in an consensual open relationship when they, in fact, are not. Cheating is still a very real thing that can happen in the polyamory community. While some people are in parallel poly relationships where their partners don’t want to meet their metamours, a cheater may use that as a cover for why they don’t want their partners to meet when, in fact, they’re being non-monogamous without their partner’s consent. If reasonable, ask if it would be possible to speak with a metamour briefly to confirm that all parties are consenting to the relationship. Keeping connected to the local poly scene is a one way to try and vet potential paramours. Local polyamory communities tend to be on the smaller side, so dropping a name early on in a romantic entanglement with someone is likely to elicit some useful information.

Another common red flag is the presence of “veto power”. Couples may pursue a conditional polyamory where either person can pursue a new partner, but members of the original couple maintain ultimate “veto” power and can terminate any of the secondary relationships at will. For example, Jane and John decide to try polyamory. Anyone who spends much time in a poly group on social media or a polyamorous discussion thread is going to find more than few broken hearted individuals resulting from the unexpected end of a relationship due to a metamour’s influence.

Unicorn hunting and couple’s privilege are two red flags that tend to go hand in hand. Those who frequent OK Cupid or FetLife have likely stumbled across a couple’s profile before. These are couples who make a shared profile and claim to be seeking a third person to form a triad with or to just have some fun with. Often a heterosexual couple will be seeking someone who is a “unicorn” (i.e. someone who is bisexual or pansexual, usually a cisgender woman). While there are plenty of people who are content with being the casual third in a relationship, problems arise when relationship expectations aren’t communicated at the outset or they aren’t maintained. There are many situations where someone is brought into an existing relationship with the expectation that they will be an equal member of the triad, only to be ousted by the original couple when one or both partners decide that they can’t handle sharing a partner.

Building upon unicorn hunting and couples privilege, when starting a relationship where an existing one is present, the new person should make sure they aren’t being used as a bandage to try and fix a dysfunctional relationship.

The “one penis rule” is another notion that people should be cautious off. The situation in which the “one penis rule” most often presents itself is when a cisgender man and a cisgender woman decide to open their relationship, but the woman is only allowed to date other woman. This can be a red flag on many different levels. Thanks for reading, more information coming in Poly Red Flags – Part 2. 

 

Other Notes:
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