One of the biggest things polya individuals need to watch out for are people who SAY they’re in an consensual open relationship when they, in fact, are not. Cheating is still a very real thing that can happen in the polyamory community. While some people are in parallel poly relationships where their partners don’t want to meet their metamours, a cheater may use that as a cover for why they don’t want their partners to meet when, in fact, they’re being non-monogamous without their partner’s consent. If reasonable, ask if it would be possible to speak with a metamour briefly to confirm that all parties are consenting to the relationship. Keeping connected to the local poly scene is a one way to try and vet potential paramours. Local polyamory communities tend to be on the smaller side, so dropping a name early on in a romantic entanglement with someone is likely to elicit some useful information.
Another common red flag is the presence of “veto power”. Couples may pursue a conditional polyamory where either person can pursue a new partner, but members of the original couple maintain ultimate “veto” power and can terminate any of the secondary relationships at will. For example, Jane and John decide to try polyamory. Anyone who spends much time in a poly group on social media or a polyamorous discussion thread is going to find more than few broken hearted individuals resulting from the unexpected end of a relationship due to a metamour’s influence.
Unicorn hunting and couple’s privilege are two red flags that tend to go hand in hand. Those who frequent OK Cupid or FetLife have likely stumbled across a couple’s profile before. These are couples who make a shared profile and claim to be seeking a third person to form a triad with or to just have some fun with. Often a heterosexual couple will be seeking someone who is a “unicorn” (i.e. someone who is bisexual or pansexual, usually a cisgender woman). While there are plenty of people who are content with being the casual third in a relationship, problems arise when relationship expectations aren’t communicated at the outset or they aren’t maintained. There are many situations where someone is brought into an existing relationship with the expectation that they will be an equal member of the triad, only to be ousted by the original couple when one or both partners decide that they can’t handle sharing a partner.
Building upon unicorn hunting and couples privilege, when starting a relationship where an existing one is present, the new person should make sure they aren’t being used as a bandage to try and fix a dysfunctional relationship.
The “one penis rule” is another notion that people should be cautious off. The situation in which the “one penis rule” most often presents itself is when a cisgender man and a cisgender woman decide to open their relationship, but the woman is only allowed to date other woman. This can be a red flag on many different levels. Thanks for reading, more information coming in Poly Red Flags – Part 2.
Other Notes:
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